doubts

why is his treatment different nowadays? did i do something wrong? hmm lets reflect...so far nothing..so far I am the one who is always finding him. oh wait maybe that's the problem. maybe, I am suffocating him. because he keeps saying how irritating i am. i can't grow up, i just can't. i have a 7 year old living in a 17 year old body. i feel so lacking for him. maybe i should like, back off a bit you know. okay starting from tomorrow... i will like, not be all clingy towards him. i would be less clingy and more like, mysterious in a way that he will find me and miss me and not the other way round, in which is always the case nowadays. which sucks. big time. but i.....canttttttttttt i am just so in need of him in every way possible. mentally emotionally physically...every damn way. how weak i am when i am in a state of being in love. i don't want a heartbreak anymore. i wanna go all the way with him you know, eventhough im not fully assured that he is The One for me judging from his to-hell-with-you attitude nowadays. but when he is romantic, god, he IS romantic. okay not really romantic, but sweet. but when it comes to the downsides, it can get pretty nasty. like, not picking up my calls just because of Fckin lan gaming. i seriously need someone to teach me to play, seriously. omg maybe i should like call up my ex and let him teach me. nvm that will create more problems. i should just ask anyone else. okay what else...the way he talks to me..how insensitive he is to my feelings YES THTS THE WORD = INSENSITIVE. he is such an insensitive bastard sometimes, so insensitive that it makes me want to crush his balls. and i still think that he has a secret crush on someone..which i still cannot pinpoint out. and usually my gut feeing is right. i have a good gut sense. almost accurate really. okay but for this i hope my gut feeling is off. seriously i can't endure anothery crying my heart out session over some guy periods anymore. im through with that.

maybe he is through with that too. maybe i've been hurting him all this while and not know it. okay last time i knew that i was hurting him and yeahhhh man revenge was sweet. somehow a morbid part of me kinda liked seeing him cry and beg for me and i was like "take that bitch, who is the hurt one now" but the other part of me was like "oh my god baby...pls dont cry..i love you lets elope and live in a hut with daffodils and a little well" ok screw that lets think of ways to improve myself so i can make him hooked to me like last time :-

• understand his addiction to lan gaming. dont make a big fuss when he neglects you dont make a big fuss over anything related to blackshot. just smile...and take it in like a boss :-D cos that only seems to be his concern nowadays. fucking black shot. fucking cunt whore slut. grr this is a great challenge. lan gaming u bitch, i will master you one day, u will see. and then me and him, we'll lan-game together and u can't do anything about it....suck on thattttt. but this will take a long time since i really dont think i will learn gaming anytime soon cos i suck. at. everything. 
• talk to him nicely in a sweet saccharine voice....everytime. like you love it even when he curse at you, like you fucking love it when he says "eh eh kau" and give you that irritating one fucker look that make u want to take his face and slam it on the wall....just talk nicely with The Voice and he will forever love you 
• report strength cos he doesnt like it when you go gallivanting to places and he doesn't know your wherabouts and all. just report strength and when he sounds like he doesn't give a shit , just ignore. atleast you did your job. 
• need to stop giving him what he wants. you dont want to be too easy to get
• try to act matured. at least try. he very chibai seriously. last time all my childish antics he say cute all you know. now? be matured. go fucking find that rara cb pontianak who thinks like an old mother la 16 years old think like one makcik already stupid white freak 
• okay so far im not matured here but who cares this is my personal space. ok..matured..how to act matured. maybe i shall stop posting about my problems everywhere on cyber space LOL yeah thats immatured now i realize. hmmm and what else oh ya crying in public cos thats very unprofessional but always cute but now not cute anymore. so hard to be cute nowadays. now only the stupid fish face is cute and that is not even really my face. sad life i have 
• ok tired of thinking bye